Big enough

The other night my Buck was trying to get Toots to eat her vegies and he told her that she needed to eat to grow up big. Her wise response, "Well Daddy, you are big - you don't have to eat so much." So true - for me too.

I'm excited. I feel good and ready to take on the day. We sold our camper, so I'm hopeful we will be able to get the boiler fixxed in the Timothy Center. And I get to plan a birthday party and a family vacation. Toot's PCA is able to come with us, so I can get a vacation while on vacation :) I just have to find someone to house sit.

I'm going to try to record Booboo singing. It is a hoot, especially when Toots tries to "help" him.

Buddy only has one night of racing left for the season. He's done well; crashed a few times, won a couple trophes, and met some nice people.

A hard year?

Today I read Claudia's blog about how bad stuff that happens can be summed up in 3 seconds. I'm kinda feeling sorry for myself so I think I'll try it. Now I know that I am incredibly blessed by many things and I am truly grateful and things could have been worse.


My mother-in-law was dead for about 8 min. (similar to my father who was "brain dead" for 1.5 years before he actually died) She survived and is o.k. - even b-sits for me.

Problems with county building inspector in regards to 2 sheds (and we didn't tell him that we were planning on using them as guest cabins either)

Youngest son scoped up and down to check out digestive track. Still don't have a diagnoses.

Husband in emergency room several times.

Boiler broken in Timothy Center.

Daughter in developmental evaluation - I'm a bad parent.

Brother's gorry death televised on national t.v. - repeatedly

Husband had major surgery- followed by a week in Intensive care - the day after brother's memorial service.

Oldest son had wisdom teeth extracted same day as husband's surgery.

Spent 20th wedding anniversary finally burying my brother.

Step niece's house flooded. Looses foster kids for awhile ("they" finally let them come home after they repeatedly ran away from new foster home)

Husband's uncle dies.

Plans for getting our ministry's non-profit status on hold since a major board member dropped out.

Experimenting with daughter's iron for sleep issues.

Husband hospitalized for a week on Christmas.

Brother's house still being cleaned out.

Nephew has major medical issues all spring.

Daughter's X-PCA called social services on us. Apparently, since she was unable to "fix" our family there must be something really wrong so that social services needed to be informed. (I think they were laughing at her report - but they still had to follow up on the call)

Husband under goes another surgery and hospitalization. Turned out good.

Financial problems. Big.

Husband under extreme stress at work.

Big storm. At least 20 trees really damaged. Lots of work.

Planning on closing the Timothy Center for the winter unless we can get the boiler fixed. :(



Well, that about sums up my year. Yep, 3 seconds. It definately could have been worse. But I feel better after whining and I really just want a boring year. The last seven years have been difficult. Hey - maybe I'm in for 7 good years; just opposite of Joseph in Egypt. (Uh O that would bring Toots to 13 years old ........)

bountiful harvest

I've been reading about all the produce that my blogging encouragers have harvested. So, I thought since I can do photos I would show off my gardening talent.

Tree photos... did it work?

Monday blues

It's a beautiful day outside. I hope that I can get out to enjoy it, but I have to drive 65 miles to our credit union this morning. I think I'll stop by the cemeteries as long as I'm close. I left real flowers last week on my brother's grave (sorta a no-no) so I should go exchange them for fake. My mom's b-day was last Sat. so maybe I'll drop off a rose at hers - only real flowers at this cemetery.

I've been thinking allot about our baby that was ripped away from us. She just turned 6 on Friday. I couldn't even bring myself to send a card. She's not my little girl, but she will always be my baby. I didn't give birth to her, but I loved her so much. It is so hard not knowing if she is really o.k. Her real mom doesn't notice any signs of FASD - yet. Did she really luck out? She drank so much the first 6 months she was expecting that she was surprised when the baby appeared beautifully normal. I loved her and would have cared for her anyway. How could she have "changed her mind"? How could she miraculously be able to care for the child. She says all is well. Life goes on.



My sprained foot is feeling much better so I'm going to try to work more on branch removal - big storm last month.

Huh?

I hate alcohol. I hate what it's done to my daughter. I hate what it's done to my family, to me. I'm a different person then I was 7 years ago. When we filled out our adoption papers, FAS was one of the few things we said we couldn't cope with. Down's - o.k., wheelchair- o.k., mentally handicapped - o.k.,......, FAS & RAD - no. We were right - how did we end up here and what made us change our minds?
Toot's has been intolerable. Her demeaner stinks, she hasn't been sleeping well, and she peed in the car's cup holder???? I am astounded, bewildered. I broke down and gave her some meds that are supposed to help her sleep - some form of valium. Didn't do much good - she's awake (2:30). She has been hiding stuff in her butt crack. Now, that's a hard place to check in the store :).

On a bright note : I was able to get 4 nights of 7 hours of sleep (thanks Angie for one of them)last week, We survived a big storm (about 20 -25 trees were damaged and the car needs a bit of work) but we are o.k. and miraculously our buildings are too and the power came back on that night, The one year anniversary of my brother's death is over ( Buddy was on the news in his race car - he won another feature the week before too), I'm sure there was something else but I can't remember - that has been the theme of my life lately. The thumping upstairs is getting loud- I better go before Buck wakes up.

First Place

Buddy is racing in memory of his uncle for a few weeks. He won his feature race. He is doing so well. Of course I didn't get to see it. My dear friend offered to take the kids overnight so I could go to the race, but they were so ---- that we stayed home. I will get there next week somehow.

I'm slowly catching up on sleep. Last night I got 4 hours and the night before I got 5 hours. Doing good. I'm looking forward to being able to think again. I could be sleeping now, but I watched a tv show about the bridge collapse. It'll be awhile before I can fall asleep tonight.

Our ministry has been stagnating this past year. I pray we can recover so we can continue our dream for a hospitality center for families. Last week however, we were able to help out a missionary family from Mexico. They camped out in our trailer in between church visits. Their kids got along perfectly with our kids. (oh yeah, I also cared for a pastor's dogs so he could get away with his family) I would love to do more.

Maybe if I throw in a load of laundry and take a shower I'll be able to sleep. Have a good night!

sleep deprived thoughts

Yesterday, in my lack of sleep fog, I was thinking about how Toots gets so much PCA time because of her unpredictability, yet she is so predictable in so many things. If she knows where the scissors (clippers, pliers, screws,....) are she will use them for harm. (Yep - she cut her hair again. We had guests from Mexico here and some scissors got left out in the bathroom. And there is another hole in the wall,......) She will run the parking lot. She will demand attention when I'm needed elsewhere. If she can find the dog leashes (or any string, rope, ribbon, necklace,.....) she will wrap it around someone's neck and tie them up ( I'm dog sitting this week so I've been on security detail at night trying to keep everyone safe) She knows when I'm weak and will exploit it. I've had to steel myself from crying a few times. How will I ever make it through the teenage years? I'm petrified for what the future holds - Can I run away? I need to remember that these are the "good old days" that I'll look back on. I know where everyone is and they are currently safe. Although I don't have any control over that either. With the first anniversary of my brother's death quickly approaching I am reminding myself to cherish life and family. I'm debating on whether to bring Toots and Booboo with me to all the events I hope I to attend. I want them with me. I don't want to have to deal with "issues." I want them with me. I don't want to deal with ..... I hate keeping them from family events. They are my children, I love them, I want to be with them, they are my family. (although I have doubts of their acceptance into my side of the extended family - is it the adoption or the disability that makes it rough?) Since I will be dealing with my family I will probably leave them with Buck's folks for the day. How sad.

It's me against Them ..........

Toots is still getting up at night, so I'm trying to sleep with one eye open. After hearing "something" I couldn't get back to sleep after 1.5 hours, so I decided to shower early to get out of the way of the travelers. Toots joined me for a predawn shower. She has been enjoyable at night, but she makes up for it in the daytime. Her PCA was brought to tears today and yesterday too. I'm so lucky that she is so tiny, but she is starting to team up with Booboo. It is scary to be left alone with the two of them. Buck & Buddy made it safely to Daytona for the race. I hope it doesn't rain on them. Buddy is going to miss two races here, but Buck figures he is far enough in points to stay in the top 8 ( he won another heat race last week).

I tried to give the dogs a bath yesterday. Cassie didn't even get dried off before she was jumping in the mud chasing the sprinkler. Lesson learned :)

I'd better go check on the "angels" - since they need constant supervision, I'm gambling now...........

Ewww

I've been sleeping on the couch allot lately, partly because of a old mattress and partly due to being able to hear Toots at night. Tonight I opted for the bed - mistake. I awoke to the dog bursting into the room with a stench. Not wanting to wake anyone by turning the lights on I fearfully hastened to let the dog out. I encountered a too large to be a poop object that didn't respond and closed (but left open the night before) stairway doors. Aye - there be mischief afoot lassy. An investigation proved me correct - I found a little girl with her pillow and blanket huddled in the hallway with the offensive smell emanating from her room. I washed out the comforter, cleaned the floor, sent the little girl to bed, let the dog back in all the while wondering - what did she do to the dog?? - I hope it was from the dog. I'm so thankful that it wasn't anything worse. I tremble in fear of the day she discovers matches. Why won't she sleep? (o.k. so I know that FAS people have sleep disorders, but when it's 4 a.m. I reserve the right to ask why)


Earlier today I needed to make a trip out. I used to say run errands, but Miss Toots thought we were going to Aaron's house, so to eliminate a meltdown I've changed my vocabulary - I'm so smart :) When we got to the store it was Booboo that threw a fit. I didn't even get apologetic much less embarrassed it has happened so much with Toots, I'm immune and just continue shopping. I'm sure the employees all know us. I do have to use a shopping list, 'cause me brain turns to putty when it's being assaulted. It is putty allot. Uh ooo I hear someone ...... do you think I'll get anymore sleep today?

Yipee

We had lunch at a restaurant with grandma/pa today. It was awesome. The kids ate. There was no screaming, upchucking, crying, falling over, and I didn't have to pry anyone off the floor (yucko). We weren't overly distracting to the other patrons. I only had to make one quick trip to the potty. I actually got to participate in normal conversation - I'm not used to it. It was lovely. (A stark contrast to our Friday get together with friends where I was constantly "distracted" - to put it nicely) --Stop-- It was a lovely lunch and I love my children.

It wasn't MY idea...

Our friends came to spend the night. We went to a waterpark, ( Toots and Booboo spent more time in the sand - gritty children) and had pizza afterwards. There was some rough play and the beautiful teenaged girl got her lip split open (just a little). It was late and emergency rooms are never what you want them to be so........ I often thought how nice it would be to glue "someone's" lips together, but I never thought I'd actually do it. Poor kid. Her mamma made me do it :) I hope she doesn't scar.

It was so good to see them again, but the visits always go by so quickly. Toots has been moaning all day " I miss "%%%%%" - I'll never see her again, ever!" Hey, I know where the super glue is - I'm just kidding.

Fun week

On Monday, Buck & I went to the Rockie Lynne concert. I'm now a fan; I even got a hug from him :) He has a huge heart for hurting people and does a great job expressing life events in song. We had an enjoyable evening away from the kids, so we decided to keep on that theme on Tuesday and ran away down south for the night. Wednesday was spent at home, mostly :) and on Thursday I dropped the little kids off at grandma/pa's for the night. Buck & Buddy went to the track to practice and I went to a "meeting." My sister was also there and we had a good time together after the meeting. Friday brought the wedding celebration of my niece. I'm so excited to see what God will do with their life together. I felt guilty for not including Toots and Booboo in such a momentous family event, but I didn't feel we would do our best at the photos with them there.

A CLEAN SWEEP!
Saturday was the best day for Buddy. He not only won his heat race; he also won his first feature. I brought Toots & Booboo so we were all there to witness the event. Toots was screaming so loud eveyone in the stands by us turned around to see her screaming above the roar of the race cars. The track photographer thought she was so cute when she announced the Buddy was the "best driver in the whole world." Booboo was not without attention either for when the rain started we ran inside and listened to the band. The lead singer came down and danced with Boo and when she read his shirt she stuck him up on stage and read his shirt "my parents are exhausted." What a great day.

Quick catch up

Yesterday Uncle T took Toots & Booboo for an airplane ride. Toots even got to "drive." Boo was able to unbuckle after leveling off to look out the window. He took one look outside, sat down and grabbed his seat belt. That's my big, tough, "I'm grown up" boy.

We ran out of Toot's iron on Sat. so it should be an interesting week with Buck having vacation .........

Thursday I got together with Beth and her kids. It was so good to see her; the weather was perfect; and the water-park wasn't overcrowded. Toots got rescued. After we left the water-park we came home for pizza and birthday cake (happy birthday Carson) Toots was inconsolable, the pain of not being near her friend Lexi was too great of pain for her to bear - good thing it was bedtime (past) and we could hustle her off to bed. I'm praying for a solution to Toots and Boo sharing a room - it's just not ideal.

Today Buck has aspirations of fixing the corral, anchoring the sheds, and working on the garden AND I have reservations for the Rockie Lynne concert tonight - his song about 'never having the chance to say good bye' brings tears to my eyes. It should prove to be an "interesting" day.

Going green?

As I was putting the house to bed for the night, I checked to see if the kids were sleeping on Toot's "independent" camera ( a security camera in her room so she doesn't have to be in the same room as mom all the time) They appeared to be sleeping, but as I walked up the stairs I heard little footsteps ..... quiet....soft little foot steps....and then.... a little head peered around the corner ...... "what are you doing?," I asked in my quiet, patient, energy deficient whisper. "Oh, I just had to go potty" "O.K. back in bed." So - what was the black round object in her bed if it wasn't her head??? And now I "need" to stay up to make sure she goes to sleep, before I can relax enough to sleep. Good thing I checked the toilet seat before I sat down. Yep: she needed to go potty alright. As I was wiping up the seat and was preparing to flush the waste, I thought she was trying to save a tree, and I resolved that cleaning the panties would be easier then if she neglected the toilet altogether. I was feeling o.k. And then a politically incorrect discovery - the tree was sacrificed for indeed she had wiped and placed the tissue on the water tank. Yahoo - clean panties.

At least I have one child who is energy conscious - Buddy is quite happy with his once a month shower. I hope it coincides with his cousin's wedding this month.

I wonder if there are any good movies on ..... I hate to waste my sleep time, but I'll just lay there, listening in the silence, .... did I just hear something?

Mountain Memories

I just got through looking at beautiful mountain pictures. It has brought back a ton of memories. My family would go on a big road trip every year or two. One of our last trips together was to Banff and Lake Louise. I was under 10 yrs. old but I remember how beautiful it was and how good it was to be a family. My brother loved the beauty of the mountains. I'm starting to move on from just remembering his death to remembering his life and looking at those mountains today brought some sweet tears. I miss my dad, mom, and brother so much. It is a comfort to know without a doubt that they are in heaven. I know their faith, I've heard their testimony and I know that they are all together with their Saviour.

Just now I hear of more devastation. There are so many hurting people. It is my prayer that sometime I may be a blessing to those that mourn or are stressed out.

I am so thankful for all that God has given.

Becoming like the one you love

The other morning Toots' pca jumped. BooBoo was there grinning. Later I was the victim - woo. Boo sniffed my darier. "mommy you're stinky". "I am not!!!" I wonder who his next subject will be.......

The greatest compliment BooBoo can give is to tell you that you are the best driver. Buddy usually gets the distinction, but occasionally he bestows it on someone else. Today he was telling daddy the he was the best driver when Buddy pipes up "uhhh?" So BooBoo quickly changes his tune and tells his bro that he is the best driver and that daddy is "stinky". I have yet to figure out exactly what he means, but at least I'm in good company!

Loose Connections

There's gotta be something not right in BooBoo's head. I know he's had trouble with trust, anger, obsession, and an unusual loud, repetitive, raspy voice - but there's gotta be something else. He has trouble putting things together. Even when a single request is given he has trouble comprehending, and tries guessing. "Put your cup on the table" is too complicated - He's got to figure out what his cup is and then what the table is - even if he's holding the cup and standing next to the table. It takes him 5 minutes - with constant intervention. It's driving me nuts! But he is so darn cute.

I've got to remember to praise Toots more. She's been asking "Am I naughty?" She was also asking the other day about why she acts the way she does. I'm not sure how to explain it, we talk about FAS all the time and she knows she's adopted - but I don't think she really understands. I want her to learn how to succeed with her disability, not to condone misbehaviors, but to eventually learn what it will take to live the life she wants to live. I want to to know how smart and awesome she is. And I don't want her daydreaming about how wonderful life would be if she was with her birth-mom - yet I don't what to speak ill of ?bm?? either. Her "make-believe" world is so real to her - it is hard to distinguish fact from fiction.

Oooo I was actually thinking - it feels good. I sure hope calamity will stay away.

Ain't ya never need a restroom

This morning Toots was singing this over and over "Ain't ya never need a restroom" I was puzzled till I recognized the rhythym from the movie "It Takes Two" where the girls are horse back riding and one replies "Ain't ya never seen a western?"

As I was calming the little ones down from a brawl I was struck that I will remember these times as good with the kids - tiring and fustrating, but at least I know where they are and they are safe. I fear I will spend many a night worrying on my knees in a few years.

Hopefully we will get our garden planted this weekend - but thunderstorms are predicted.

It's been a long time

Good Morning. I haven't blogged lately; I've been too sad and I really don't want to remember what a huge whiner I am. I am so grateful and have so many blessings. However, here are some of the things I'm dealing with now: Buck's surgery is scheduled for March 11, same day as Buddy's wisdom teeth removal, my brother's house still isn't cleaned out, we are out of $, Toots was sick yesterday but otherwise very "busy", the boiler for the pool shed is in need of repair again (Buddy has been keeping it warm with the wood stove), one of Toots' PCA realized she couldn't "fix" our family and called _____________ ................ (Yeh, like that will help here), Buck is really worn out with the stresses that be at his workplace. Just to name a few stresses.