sleep deprived thoughts

Yesterday, in my lack of sleep fog, I was thinking about how Toots gets so much PCA time because of her unpredictability, yet she is so predictable in so many things. If she knows where the scissors (clippers, pliers, screws,....) are she will use them for harm. (Yep - she cut her hair again. We had guests from Mexico here and some scissors got left out in the bathroom. And there is another hole in the wall,......) She will run the parking lot. She will demand attention when I'm needed elsewhere. If she can find the dog leashes (or any string, rope, ribbon, necklace,.....) she will wrap it around someone's neck and tie them up ( I'm dog sitting this week so I've been on security detail at night trying to keep everyone safe) She knows when I'm weak and will exploit it. I've had to steel myself from crying a few times. How will I ever make it through the teenage years? I'm petrified for what the future holds - Can I run away? I need to remember that these are the "good old days" that I'll look back on. I know where everyone is and they are currently safe. Although I don't have any control over that either. With the first anniversary of my brother's death quickly approaching I am reminding myself to cherish life and family. I'm debating on whether to bring Toots and Booboo with me to all the events I hope I to attend. I want them with me. I don't want to have to deal with "issues." I want them with me. I don't want to deal with ..... I hate keeping them from family events. They are my children, I love them, I want to be with them, they are my family. (although I have doubts of their acceptance into my side of the extended family - is it the adoption or the disability that makes it rough?) Since I will be dealing with my family I will probably leave them with Buck's folks for the day. How sad.