Huh?

I hate alcohol. I hate what it's done to my daughter. I hate what it's done to my family, to me. I'm a different person then I was 7 years ago. When we filled out our adoption papers, FAS was one of the few things we said we couldn't cope with. Down's - o.k., wheelchair- o.k., mentally handicapped - o.k.,......, FAS & RAD - no. We were right - how did we end up here and what made us change our minds?
Toot's has been intolerable. Her demeaner stinks, she hasn't been sleeping well, and she peed in the car's cup holder???? I am astounded, bewildered. I broke down and gave her some meds that are supposed to help her sleep - some form of valium. Didn't do much good - she's awake (2:30). She has been hiding stuff in her butt crack. Now, that's a hard place to check in the store :).

On a bright note : I was able to get 4 nights of 7 hours of sleep (thanks Angie for one of them)last week, We survived a big storm (about 20 -25 trees were damaged and the car needs a bit of work) but we are o.k. and miraculously our buildings are too and the power came back on that night, The one year anniversary of my brother's death is over ( Buddy was on the news in his race car - he won another feature the week before too), I'm sure there was something else but I can't remember - that has been the theme of my life lately. The thumping upstairs is getting loud- I better go before Buck wakes up.

First Place

Buddy is racing in memory of his uncle for a few weeks. He won his feature race. He is doing so well. Of course I didn't get to see it. My dear friend offered to take the kids overnight so I could go to the race, but they were so ---- that we stayed home. I will get there next week somehow.

I'm slowly catching up on sleep. Last night I got 4 hours and the night before I got 5 hours. Doing good. I'm looking forward to being able to think again. I could be sleeping now, but I watched a tv show about the bridge collapse. It'll be awhile before I can fall asleep tonight.

Our ministry has been stagnating this past year. I pray we can recover so we can continue our dream for a hospitality center for families. Last week however, we were able to help out a missionary family from Mexico. They camped out in our trailer in between church visits. Their kids got along perfectly with our kids. (oh yeah, I also cared for a pastor's dogs so he could get away with his family) I would love to do more.

Maybe if I throw in a load of laundry and take a shower I'll be able to sleep. Have a good night!

sleep deprived thoughts

Yesterday, in my lack of sleep fog, I was thinking about how Toots gets so much PCA time because of her unpredictability, yet she is so predictable in so many things. If she knows where the scissors (clippers, pliers, screws,....) are she will use them for harm. (Yep - she cut her hair again. We had guests from Mexico here and some scissors got left out in the bathroom. And there is another hole in the wall,......) She will run the parking lot. She will demand attention when I'm needed elsewhere. If she can find the dog leashes (or any string, rope, ribbon, necklace,.....) she will wrap it around someone's neck and tie them up ( I'm dog sitting this week so I've been on security detail at night trying to keep everyone safe) She knows when I'm weak and will exploit it. I've had to steel myself from crying a few times. How will I ever make it through the teenage years? I'm petrified for what the future holds - Can I run away? I need to remember that these are the "good old days" that I'll look back on. I know where everyone is and they are currently safe. Although I don't have any control over that either. With the first anniversary of my brother's death quickly approaching I am reminding myself to cherish life and family. I'm debating on whether to bring Toots and Booboo with me to all the events I hope I to attend. I want them with me. I don't want to have to deal with "issues." I want them with me. I don't want to deal with ..... I hate keeping them from family events. They are my children, I love them, I want to be with them, they are my family. (although I have doubts of their acceptance into my side of the extended family - is it the adoption or the disability that makes it rough?) Since I will be dealing with my family I will probably leave them with Buck's folks for the day. How sad.

It's me against Them ..........

Toots is still getting up at night, so I'm trying to sleep with one eye open. After hearing "something" I couldn't get back to sleep after 1.5 hours, so I decided to shower early to get out of the way of the travelers. Toots joined me for a predawn shower. She has been enjoyable at night, but she makes up for it in the daytime. Her PCA was brought to tears today and yesterday too. I'm so lucky that she is so tiny, but she is starting to team up with Booboo. It is scary to be left alone with the two of them. Buck & Buddy made it safely to Daytona for the race. I hope it doesn't rain on them. Buddy is going to miss two races here, but Buck figures he is far enough in points to stay in the top 8 ( he won another heat race last week).

I tried to give the dogs a bath yesterday. Cassie didn't even get dried off before she was jumping in the mud chasing the sprinkler. Lesson learned :)

I'd better go check on the "angels" - since they need constant supervision, I'm gambling now...........

Ewww

I've been sleeping on the couch allot lately, partly because of a old mattress and partly due to being able to hear Toots at night. Tonight I opted for the bed - mistake. I awoke to the dog bursting into the room with a stench. Not wanting to wake anyone by turning the lights on I fearfully hastened to let the dog out. I encountered a too large to be a poop object that didn't respond and closed (but left open the night before) stairway doors. Aye - there be mischief afoot lassy. An investigation proved me correct - I found a little girl with her pillow and blanket huddled in the hallway with the offensive smell emanating from her room. I washed out the comforter, cleaned the floor, sent the little girl to bed, let the dog back in all the while wondering - what did she do to the dog?? - I hope it was from the dog. I'm so thankful that it wasn't anything worse. I tremble in fear of the day she discovers matches. Why won't she sleep? (o.k. so I know that FAS people have sleep disorders, but when it's 4 a.m. I reserve the right to ask why)


Earlier today I needed to make a trip out. I used to say run errands, but Miss Toots thought we were going to Aaron's house, so to eliminate a meltdown I've changed my vocabulary - I'm so smart :) When we got to the store it was Booboo that threw a fit. I didn't even get apologetic much less embarrassed it has happened so much with Toots, I'm immune and just continue shopping. I'm sure the employees all know us. I do have to use a shopping list, 'cause me brain turns to putty when it's being assaulted. It is putty allot. Uh ooo I hear someone ...... do you think I'll get anymore sleep today?

Yipee

We had lunch at a restaurant with grandma/pa today. It was awesome. The kids ate. There was no screaming, upchucking, crying, falling over, and I didn't have to pry anyone off the floor (yucko). We weren't overly distracting to the other patrons. I only had to make one quick trip to the potty. I actually got to participate in normal conversation - I'm not used to it. It was lovely. (A stark contrast to our Friday get together with friends where I was constantly "distracted" - to put it nicely) --Stop-- It was a lovely lunch and I love my children.

It wasn't MY idea...

Our friends came to spend the night. We went to a waterpark, ( Toots and Booboo spent more time in the sand - gritty children) and had pizza afterwards. There was some rough play and the beautiful teenaged girl got her lip split open (just a little). It was late and emergency rooms are never what you want them to be so........ I often thought how nice it would be to glue "someone's" lips together, but I never thought I'd actually do it. Poor kid. Her mamma made me do it :) I hope she doesn't scar.

It was so good to see them again, but the visits always go by so quickly. Toots has been moaning all day " I miss "%%%%%" - I'll never see her again, ever!" Hey, I know where the super glue is - I'm just kidding.